


The Genius, The Special Agent & The CIA

by AlessaBelle351



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-23 18:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16624436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlessaBelle351/pseuds/AlessaBelle351
Summary: Spencer's been having a hard time; eight months after he was kidnapped by Hankel and only a month after Gideon left he's struggling to stay clean. Now his struggle has gotten even harder as his past comes back to haunt him. The past he has been trying to forget since joining the BAU five years ago. It has fallen into his hands, and there's no running away this time.





	1. Chapter 1

On October 9th of 1981, a baby boy by the name of Spencer was born to Diana and William Reid. He seemed like a regular boy, but it didn't take long for everyone to notice how special he really was.

When he was eight years old he was transferred out of grade three to grade nine. He had an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and was an autodidact, he could also read two thousand words a minute. He was, in every sense of the word, a genius. He graduated from high school in 1994 at the age of twelve years old. After all the bullying he had endured he couldn't wait to leave. His Father had already left by that point, leaving him with Diana who was a paranoid schizophrenic.

These were all facts that everybody at the BAU knew. Spencer was a special agent there, had been since he was twenty-one years old. Five years had passed since he begun and he couldn't imagine leaving. He loved his job and he loved his team. They were liked family to him and he couldn't imagine his life without them or the BAU.

It had been a month since Gideon had left and nine months since he had been kidnapped by Tobias Hankel. Nobody knew or at least that's what Spencer believed, but after Hankel, he had developed a drug addiction to the drug that Hankel had forcibly given him. He had gotten himself clean with help from Gideon five months ago, but now that Gideon was gone he was struggling to stay clean. His struggle was about to get a lot harder.

Spencer was sitting at his desk working through paperwork when JJ came up to him.

"Hey Spence, we've got a new case," she said with a smile.

Spencer looked up, "I'll be right up."

JJ headed to the conference room as Spencer packed up his bag and followed after her.

Spencer cared about JJ a lot. For his twenty-fourth birthday, Gideon had gotten him tickets to a Redskins game in the VIP box. He had then insisted that Spencer take JJ, and he had. It had been one of the best days of his life, but nothing came out of it. Spencer has always wished something had though. JJ was a beautiful woman with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She was twenty-nine years old, only three years older than him. Little did Spencer know, JJ had a boyfriend that she was keeping from the team.

This didn't matter at the moment though because when there was a case Spencer dedicated himself fully. So, when the whole team was in the conference room all he cared about was the case file that had fallen into his hands.

"Alright so, a woman by the name of Ashley Michaels was murdered. She was an undercover CIA agent-" Jennifer had started, putting the woman's photo on the screen.

"Why are we taking care of this case then?" Derek asked, finding it strange how the CIA wasn't involved in this.

"I'm not sure, they sent it to us. They requested that our team specifically took this case," she answered, "the crazy thing here is, she was only sixteen years old. She was a genius, just like Spence. It's believed that she may have been targeted because of these facts. This is what the unsub did to her."

Spencer looked up at the photos and his stomach twisted, his heartbeat sped up. He understood why the CIA wanted his team to investigate this case, why they had specifically requested them. It wasn't the team that they really wanted but Spencer because he knew this case. He knew this unsub, all too well.

In one moment, Spencer felt like his whole life had been turned upside down. His past had come back to haunt him, and this time there was no running away. Not without losing everything, and everyone he loved.

"He broke into her apartment, beat her, strangled her, almost drowned her and then took a knife and slit her wrist deep enough to cause significant blood loss, but not enough to kill her yet. He then tied her up and let her bleed out until he untied her and stabbed her. The coroner couldn't figure out how many times she had been stabbed, but it was over-"

"Twenty-six," came a strained voice at the end of the table.

Everybody turned to see Spencer with the case file clenched in his hands, "she was stabbed twenty-six times, and she was alive and conscious for all of it."

"Reid, how can you be sure?" Hotch asked him, looking at him with concern and curiosity.

Spencer let go of the file and rubbed his own wrist, "after he beat her he drowned her and then beat her up some more before strangling her, he stabbed her before he tied her up and slit her wrist. Then he sat in front of her trying to comfort her while she was probably begging to be let go. He stayed there until she took her last breath and then called the CIA personally from an untraceable phone and said 'should've protected your young agent' then he hung up and disappeared."

Spencer fixed the order of the attack and finished the case file for them before going on, "he kills one undercover agent a year, usually, it's a highly intelligent person under the age of eighteen and always on November the 3rd. They suspect that he was a former CIA who changed his identity trying to start a different life. He probably was a victim of several attacks until a severe one of November 3rd, he was also probably young like his victims. He feels like he should've been protected and that the CIA failed him. That's why he kills, to show the CIA that they don't protect their agents enough, he believes they need to pay for failing them."

"How do you know this Reid?" Hotch asked in a stern voice.

"I came across it in my studies..." Spencer lied, "he won't stop until the CIA prevents him from killing a victim. The problem is that they don't know who this guy is or who his next victim will be. He kills men, women, Caucasians, African Americans, Asians, any young CIA agent that he can get to too easily."

"So, how do we stop him?" Emily asked anxiously, it seemed like this would be one of their hardest cases yet.

"He has never failed to kill someone that he was planning on killing, the CIA never succeeded in protecting their agents," Spencer answered, "so, it's practically impossible because he only kills once a year."

"Has any victims survived JJ?" Rossi turned to JJ who hadn't taken her eyes of Spencer.

"No, not that the CIA told me," JJ answered, "they didn't give me a lot to go on though, I don't believe they gave me all the files..."

"They'll try to keep as much as they can away from us, but we need to know everything to catch this guy," Hotch stood up, "I'll call them and figure out where the rest of the files are."

'They won't give them to you,' Spencer thought silently.

His lie about how he had come across the story in his studies seemed to have convinced the team for the time being, but Spencer knew he wouldn't be able to keep his secret for long once they started digging. His team was good at what they did, but so was he. He rubbed his wrist and looked up to see JJ staring at him again.

'I can't lose her, I can't have them find out.'


	2. Here They Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer feigns sickness in order to go home and figure out a plan to deal with his past, only to walk into danger.

_He sat in his office at his computer. He was hacking into the CIA database. After being trained with those skills he was more than happy to use it against them after what they had done, or rather what they had not done. He looked into the file about his case and when he found out that it had been passed to the FBI he was furious. They were brushing him off! He looked into the team that his case had been given to and he got quite a shock;_

_Agent Aaron Hotchner, Agent David Rossi, Agent Derek Morgan, Agent Emily Prentiss, Technical analysis Penelope Garcia, Communication Liaison Jennifer Jareau and, Dr. Spencer Reid._

" _No!"_

_He stormed around the room breaking everything he could get his hands on. There was no way! No way that he had failed! There was no way that this Dr. Spencer Reid was the same man... no way that this was the same kid as eight years ago. It wasn't possible, it couldn't be true._

_'No, he was dead,' the man looked at the picture on his screen again, 'the brown eyes, the brown hair, the slender body, the handsome face, IQ of 187, eidetic memory... it's him alright.'_

_The man punched a hole in his wall. He couldn't believe that he had let someone live, he had never failed, he had never left a victim alive. However, here his victim was looking out at him from his computer screen. He had been so sure that the kid was dead, the kid was unresponsive, he hadn't been breathing, even if he had been alive when he left he had suffered too many injuries to survive._

_He left his office and went to his room where he grabbed a suitcase and threw his clothing into it. It looked like he had to go back to Washington, he grabbed his computer and hacked into the FBI database quietly. Once he had the doctors address he got into his car and headed back to Washington._

_He would be there in an hour, and he would... rectify the situation._

Spencer was in the bathroom leaning against the sink. He turned on the water and splashed some on his face, he had to figure this out. He looked at himself in the mirror and could tell that it was obvious something was wrong.

'Maybe I can pass it off as sickness and go home,' he thought.

'You never go home, even when you're sick,' a little voice in his head replied.

'There's a first time for everything.'

He left the bathroom and went to find Hotch. Hotch was in his office on the phone with a CIA when Spencer came in. Hotch looked up startled as it wasn't like anyone, especially Spencer to not knock.

"Reid, what's wrong?"

"I'm feeling very sick, I think I may have a virus..." was Spencer's answer.

Apparently, Hotch's profiler senses weren't on because he said, "yes, I noticed something was wrong. Why don't you go home? We won't be able to do something until we get those files anyway, and they're refusing to release them. They just put me on hold, again."

Hotch sat down and rubbed his face, he was obviously irritated. Spencer would usually stay during hard cases like these, but he knew his presence may only make the situation worse, for him and his team.

"Call me if you need me," Spencer said quietly before leaving the office.

Derek and Emily were at their desk and they watched him pack up his stuff, "where are you going, pretty boy?"

"I'm sick, I'm going home," Spencer replied.

Derek looked at him with a worried expression, "it's not like you to go home when you're sick."

'Please, don't read into this Morgan,' Spencer thought.

"Feel better, okay kid?" Derek put his hand on Spencer's shoulder, "we need you at your best to get this bastard."

Spencer nodded and left, leaving Derek and Emily shocked and worried.

Spencer got into his car and drove home as fast as he could.

When he finally made it to his little two bedroom apartment he felt a little bit of comfort. He unlocked the door and went in, putting his stuff including his gun on the kitchen counter. He took his go bag to his bedroom and then got some boxers and a t-shirt that he would sleep in. A couple hours rest would be needed for him to be at his best, but he had to be at his best for a different reason then Derek believed. Spencer had to keep his life together, to protect his friends and JJ.

Once he had gotten his clothing and a towel from the linen closet he went to the bathroom, but that's when he noticed something odd.

The tub was full of water already. Spencer backed away from it and looked down the hallway towards his living room. He slowly walked out and passing his kitchen he stood there, paralyzed.

"Hello,  _Dr._ Reid."

The man had been sitting in the shadows where Spencer couldn't see from his kitchen when he first came in. The man stood up and walked over to Spencer slowly.

"I couldn't believe it, but now I see that it's true. You're alive, how strange," the man tilted his head questioningly, "I had sworn you were dead."

Spencer didn't say anything but looked over at his kitchen counter where his gun had been.

"Looking for this?" The man held up his gun, "working for the FBI has made you too relax  _Doctor_."

"Why are you here?" Spencer asked despite already knowing the answer.

"Don't ask foolish questions!" The man snapped, "you already know why I'm here!"

"Working for the FBI must have made me foolish because I truly can't think of the reason why you'd come here."

"My job's incomplete," the man answered.

"You killed Ashley Michaels-"

"I was supposed to kill you!" The man yelled again, "eight years ago, but yet here you stand!"


	3. The Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's attacked, while Derek and Emily rush to get to his apartment in time to save him. 
> 
> Can the genius defend himself long enough to survive?

"Yes, here we stand," Spencer straightened up, "so, you came here to kill me, huh?"

The man smiled, "that's right, I've got to kill you or else I failed and I never fail."

Spencer smiled, and opened his arms wide gesturing to himself, "obviously you do-"

That angered the man who had stepped slowly towards him to the point where they were within arms distance of each other.

The man punched Spencer squarely in the face, but Spencer quickly recovered so, when the man went to punch him again he grabbed his arm and threw him against the wall. The man let out a cry of pain as he had been thrown into a mirror that hung from the wall. The man fell to the ground, Spencer's gun still in his hand and Spencer reached down to grab it from him.

The man held onto it and struggled to get up while they struggled over the weapon. The gun went off and Spencer let out a cry of pain, letting go of his grip on it. His hand went to his side as he backed away from his attacker.

The man smiled and went to hit Spencer over the head with the gun, but Spencer defended himself and disarmed the man sending it flying across the room and the man falling to the ground. He wasn't as useless at defending himself as people at the BAU thought, even his team.

Spencer moved into the living room to get his phone, which the man had also taken. He picked it up and pressed the number two, hearing it ring a couple times.

'Pick up Morgan,' he thought.

"No!" The man realized what Spencer was doing and instead of getting the weapon, grabbed Spencer and spun him around, punching him in the face again.

Spencer went crashing through his glass coffee table, and he cried out in pain as he felt glass cut at his back through his thin shirt. He turned and tried getting up, but his assailant only took the opportunity to wrap his arm around his neck.

"I intend to finish my job this time  _Doctor_ ," the man growled in Spencer's ear.

Spencer struggled to get out of the man's grip but eventually gave up struggling and let the man pull him up. Then, he took his own opportunity and elbowed the man in the stomach. The man cried out in pain a bit but didn't let go of his grip on Spencer.

"You've forgotten a lot of your training in the years since you've been working for the FBI, haven't you Dr. Reid?"

The man wrapped the arm that wasn't still around Spencer's neck around his chest and started pulling him back through the living room and kitchen, towards the bathroom. Spencer continued struggling and finally broke free by using a move that Derek had taught him.

Spencer saw his gun had landed in the kitchen, just barely out of view since it was on the other side of the island counter. He dived for it and once he got it he scrambled for cover behind the island. He then crawled to the other end, farthest from his attacker who had quickly recovered.

"Put your hands where I can see them!" Spencer stood up and pointed his gun at the man, who followed his instructions quickly.

The man smiled, "was that an FBI move Dr. Reid?"

"No, it's a move my friend taught me," was his short reply as he kept his weapon trained on the man.

"Your friends, huh? The friends you've been lying to for the last five years?"

Spencer knew the man was trying to frustrate him so he'd let his guard down so he kept calm.

"I wanted to start a new life."

"Away from the people who failed you?" The man tried baiting him, tried making him angry.

"They didn't mean for me to get hurt, and they never meant for you to get hurt either," Spencer said.

"They didn't mean for me to get hurt?!" The man screamed, "they failed me just like they failed you! Just like how your FBI  _friends_  have failed you!"

The man then went to tackle Spencer who had moved out of his position behind the counter. Spencer shot at him, but only grazed his arm. They both went flying to the ground, Spencer's head connected with the wall and he was momentarily stunned. It was long enough for the man to grab his gun, but he didn't turn it on him. In fact, he pushed it across the floor away from them before grabbing Spencer by his long hair and pull him up.

He pulled out his knife and pushed it into Spencer's neck, "no more struggling, walk."

Spencer flinched from the pain and stopped struggling and followed the man's instructions, waiting for him to move the knife away from his throat even if it was just for a moment.

The man pushed him into the bathroom and Spencer fell to his knees in front of the bathtub. He turned to get up and face the man, but he wasn't fast enough. The man grabbed his hair again and forced his head under the water, leaning right over him and holding him down even as he struggled.

At some point, the man dropped his knife and Spencer felt it drop beside his leg. The man pulled him out of the water for brief moments before putting him back under, Spencer reached down for the knife and aimed the knife for anywhere he could.

The man cried out in pain as Spencer had stabbed him in the shoulder. Spencer pulled his head up and got up quickly. Passing the man to run out of the bathroom, but he had grabbed Spencer's ankle and Spencer fell to the ground. He turned and kicked the man, trying to get free.

The man let go easily and Spencer ran from the bathroom, his attacker right on his heels, but then there was a banging on the door.

"Open up Reid!" Came Derek's booming voice.

The man sent one more look at Spencer that clearly said "this isn't over," before jumping out the window he had come in and climbed down the balcony. He got into his car and raced away.

Derek broke in the door and rushed in with Emily behind him, both their guns at the ready.

They only saw Spencer; his hair soaked with water and blood dripping down his neck. His lips and hands were also bleeding a little, but the two team members didn't notice because they were more concerned with his bleeding throat and the blood coming from his side.

"Reid!" Derek put his gun away while Emily went to start checking the rest of the apartment.

"It's no use, Emily, he's gone," Spencer told her.

"How?" She asked, with her answer being Spencer gesturing to the window.

Emily called Hotch so they could start setting up roadblocks.

"What happened man?" Derek asked.

Spencer wiped his lip with his hands and let Derek lead him out of his apartment building to the ambulance, which had shown up.

"He came after me..." was all Spencer said, and Derek didn't push it.

He wanted to get Spencer to the hospital fast and he pressed the tea towel that he had grabbed from the kitchen against Spencer's side.

"You need to keep the pressure on this pretty boy," Spencer grabbed the towel and kept it in place while Derek looked at the cut on his neck.

"It doesn't look very deep, but you may need stitches," he was saying, "I'm more worried about this bullet wound."

"It's nothing, just a scratch," Spencer said, trying not to let on that he was starting to feel nauseous.

Finally, the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance and Derek sat beside Spencer while they took his blood pressure.

"I don't take narcotics," was Spencer's short answer when they offered him pain medicine.

By the time they got to the hospital Spencer was truly starting to feel ill, he had lost a lot of blood and he was on the brink of losing consciousness.

"Spence!" Derek had called the rest of the team and Spencer heard JJ's voice first.

She raced to his side as the paramedics rushed him in. She tried grabbing his hand, but before she knew it he was already being rolled into the OR, and Spencer lost consciousness with the last thing he saw being her face.


	4. Waiting For News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the Doctors work on Spencer, the team waits for news and wonders why this man would attack their friend.

Derek was pacing in the hospital waiting room. The rest of the team, excluding JJ, was sitting down; Hotch and Rossi were trying to keep calm, but they were just as anxious about Spencer and as furious at the man who hurt him as the others, Emily and Penelope were sitting closest to JJ who was standing right beside the waiting room door. Penelope felt sick like she always did when someone on the team was hurt, she felt like this was worse than when Spencer got kidnapped by Hankel. Emily tried to keep calm as well, but after almost a year with the team they had started feeling like family and she hoped with everything inside her that Spencer would be okay.

JJ leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes, 'please, let him be okay. I can't lose him.'

Derek was thinking the same thing, Spencer had become like a brother to him and he'd hate himself for the rest of his life if anything ever happened to him. He had sworn since Hankel that he'd never let Spencer be hurt again, and now he felt like a failure. He remembered when he got the call...

_Derek's phone had rung three times before he picked up, seeing that it was Spencer he answered: "hey pretty boy, are you feeling-?"_

" _No!" He heard the scream but knew immediately that it wasn't Spencer's voice._

_The next thing Derek heard was a crash that sounded like someone going through glass. Then he heard something he never wanted to hear again after Hankel, Spencer crying out in pain._

" _Reid!" Derek yelled into the phone, hoping Spencer could hear or that the assailant would hear him._

" _I intend to finish my job this time Doctor," Derek heard the man growl as he heard what sounded like Spencer struggling to get away._

" _What's going on?" Emily had gotten up from her desk and followed as Derek motioned for her to follow him._

_Practically running up the stairs to Hotch's office he said without knocking or waiting for an answer, "someone's attacking Reid in his apartment!"_

_Hotch had been on the phone, but quickly hung up and went to get Rossi and JJ._

_Derek and Emily ran out of the building into a car, grabbing only their guns. Hotch and Rossi called back up and told JJ to go tell Penelope what was going on._

_Derek was still holding the phone as Emily got into the driver's seat, "put your hands where I can see them!"_

_They heard Spencer yelled on the other side of the phone, Derek had put it on speaker for Emily to hear._

" _Was that an FBI move Dr. Reid?"_

" _No, it's a move my friend taught me."_

_It seemed to Emily and Derek that Spencer had managed to get his gun and had used a self-defense move on him. Derek was proud of him, and Emily was a little bit surprised though she was ashamed to admit it._

" _Your friends, huh? The friends you've been lying to for the last five years?"_

_Derek and Emily exchanged looks, what would Spencer have lied about? Who was this man?_

" _I wanted to start a new life," they heard Spencer answer._

" _Away from the people who failed you?"_

" _They didn't mean for me to get hurt, and they never meant for you to get hurt either."_

" _They didn't mean for me to get hurt?!" Emily flinched when the man suddenly screamed, "they failed me just like they failed you! Just like how your FBI friends have failed you!"_

_Derek felt a pang of guilt when the man said that and Emily drove as fast as she could, sirens blaring. They heard the man attack Spencer and the gun go off, but Derek hung up then because hearing it wouldn't help them get there any faster._

_When they finally got there they didn't even wait for Hotch, Rossi or back up. They just ran right up to the staircase to Spencer's apartment, not even concerned about the people that saw them and sent them worried glances._

" _Open up Reid!" Derek banged on the door and didn't even wait for an answer before breaking in the door._

_Emily followed Derek and gasped when she saw Spencer covered in water and blood._

_Derek rushed to his side and Emily was surprised when Spencer said, "it's no use, Emily, he's gone."_

_When Spencer told her that he had left through the window she left the apartment and called Hotch. Also, waiting to signal the ambulance._

" _What happened man?"_

_Derek watched Spencer wipe the blood from his face as he led him out of the apartment building, "he came after me..."_

_Derek had a feeling that Spencer knew his attacker, not only from his words but from listening to the phone call. He also had a strange feeling that this man was the man that had killed Ashley Michaels._

_Why had this man come after Spencer? What was Spencer's connection to this case?_

" _You need to keep the pressure on that pretty boy?" Derek pressed the tea towel against Spencer._

_He would figure out what was going on once he knew Spencer would be alright._

" _It's nothing, just a scratch," Derek's heart broke when Spencer said this._

_He knew the young agent was just trying to be brave and strong, but he could tell despite Spencer trying to hide it how much pain he was in, and Derek could tell he was fading._

Derek shook the memory and paced some more, wishing the surgeon would come out and tell them Spencer would be okay.

After what seemed like ages, the man came out.

"Dr. Spencer Reid," the man said.

The entire team stood up, "how is he?" JJ was the first to ask.

"He's going to recover, the wound wasn't that deep, but he did lose quite an amount of blood."

"Is he awake?" Derek asked as he was anxious to talk to him about what happened.

"Not yet, but he should be soon. Until then, you can wait here and we'll let you know when he awakens."

Hotch moved towards the surgeon, "may I speak to you?"

The man nodded and moved away from the team to allow more privacy.

"Dr. Reid can't be on narcotics, off the record," Hotch told the man sternly.

"Does he have an addiction history or something?" The surgeon asked, "off the record."

Hotch nodded, "this can't be put on any of his files, he has been clean for months. There's no point-"

"I understand Agent Hotchner, I won't say anything about this, but I won't give him more pain medication then he needs."

"Thank you," Hotch watched as the surgeon walked away, and he went back towards his team.

"Do any of you want to head home or do you want to stay here?" He asked.

The way they all looked at him gave him the obvious answer and he sat down beside Rossi. Derek finally sat down now that he knew Spencer would be okay and JJ sat beside Emily and Penelope.

The team waited anxiously for Spencer to wake up, each of them wondering the same thing.

Why would this man attack Spencer?


	5. Running Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team realizes Spencer's hiding secrets from them and tries to convince him to tell them the truth.
> 
> Also, Derek comforts JJ who's devastated by the situation and lets her know that he knows her secret.

William LaMontagne JR had been dating Jennifer Jareau for about seven months. The thirty-year-old man had fallen for JJ quickly, but he had sensed already that maybe JJ wasn't returning his feeling. At least not to the same extent as his own. JJ had called him to let him know what had happened to Spencer, and she had told him not to worry about flying over to see her. William JR ignored her wishes and got on a plane from New Orleans to Washington anyway. He had thought that JJ just hadn't wanted to inconvenience him, but the truth was that JJ truly didn't want William around. She just wanted to take care of Spencer and find out what was truly going on with the man she cared about so much.

The surgeon had come out to tell the team that they could go see Spencer, only a few short hours after his surgery.

JJ had rushed to Spencer's side, "Spence, are you okay?"

Spencer smiled, "I'm fine JJ, just a little sore."

"You just got beaten shot and almost drowned, I doubt you're fine pretty boy," Derek said.

"Well, even after all that I'm still prettier than you so..." Derek smiles at Spencer's joke.

"You're never leaving sick from work again, do you hear me?" Penelope told him as she moved to give Spencer a hug.

Spencer smiled and nodded, "I hear you loud and clear."

"Reid, we need to talk about what happened," Hotch started, not wanting to waste any time finding this man.

Spencer sighed, "I went home because I felt sick, I got some clean clothing so I could rest and I noticed the bathtub was full of water. I went into the living room and found that the man was standing there, he had taken my gun and my phone. We got into a struggle as I tried getting my gun from him. He shot me, but I managed to get my phone to call Derek, then he grabbed me and punched me into the coffee table. He tried dragging me to the bathroom, but I managed to get away and get my gun. He tackled me and managed to overpower me and get me to the bathroom, he cut my neck and tried drowning me, but I got his knife and stabbed him in the shoulder. Then I ran from the bathroom and that's when Derek and Emily showed up. He left through the window."

Hotch sighed, "we had to know that as well, but I was more asking about why he would have come after you in the first place?"

JJ had grabbed Spencer's hand and had gripped it hard as he told his story, "I'm not sure..." Spencer lied.

"Reid, we know you. You have to have an idea about why this man attacked you," Derek said.

"I'm not sure, maybe because I'm a genius like his other victims."

"Spencer, you know that this man attacks younger people that work for the CIA," Rossi had cut in, "you know that this unsub wouldn't stray from that. He attacked you for a reason."

"You're hiding something from us, pretty boy, we can tell."

Spencer shook his head, anxiety-filled him, "what's going on Spence?"

Spencer pulled his hand away from JJ's, "I already told you guys, I'm not sure why he'd attack me. I don't know everything-"

"Reid, you knew too much about a secure and confidential CIA case file," Hotch said sternly, "there's no way that that file would have been something you just happened to come across in your studies."

Spencer looked up at Hotch and then looked around at the rest of his team, 'I knew they'd figure it out.'

He knew that it was only a matter of time before they started piecing together all of his story and all of the lies he had told them during the last five years. He had to leave, he had to get away so that they'd be safe, so she'd be safe because they had no idea what they were about to get themselves into.

"I need to rest," Spencer told them, looking away and turning eyes to the window.

"Spence-" JJ tried comforting him by putting her hands back on his.

"I need to rest," Spencer repeated firmly, pulling his hands away again.

JJ backed away from the bed, feeling hurt by the rejection, "alright, we'll let you rest..."

"Pretty boy, you can't keep this from us. You need to confide in us so that we can keep you safe."

Spencer said nothing, just continued looking out the window.

"Come on guys, let's allow Spencer some time to think," Hotch moved towards the door and held it open, "we'll come back in a couple hours to see if you're ready to tell us the truth until then we'll try to figure it out ourselves."

"It's none of your business Hotch!" Spencer snapped, glaring at his boss from his hospital bed.

"Protecting my agents, and my family is my business, Reid."

Spencer looked away and closed his eyes, trying not to cry from the pain he was feeling about what he was already planning to do.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Spencer sat up and carefully removed the IV from his hand. He flinched as he moved with his stitches on his side still feeling sensitive, but he pushed through the pain.

"I have to leave, I don't have a choice. I must protect them, I must protect her.'

JJ had walked away from the rest of the team once they had returned to the waiting room, "I'm going to go home."

That was all she told them before she left through the doors to the stairway and ran down four floors. When she couldn't run anymore she sat down, dropping her purse and covering her eyes.

That's when all the tears came, tears she didn't understand why she was crying because after all, Spencer was going to be okay. However, Spencer was keeping secrets, he had gotten attacked by a man that seemed to personally have it in for him according to what Derek had told them and he was pulling away from her. She knew it had only been his hand, but she felt like it was more than that. Spencer was pulling back himself, who he was or rather who she thought he was, which she was afraid she didn't know anymore because Spencer had never kept secrets. Spencer had never pulled away from her comfort and these feelings that she felt since Spencer got attacked were all so new.

When she had been told that Spencer was being attacked in his apartment she had felt like a wave had hit her, the same wave that had hit her nine months ago when Spencer had been kidnapped by Hankel. However, this time there were no dogs to blame it on, no drug addiction to worry about because after all, Spencer was clean at least for now. She had nothing to distract herself from this overwhelming feeling because they couldn't even work on the case until Spencer or the CIA spoke to them.

JJ hadn't heard Derek following her, and she jumped when Derek put his hand on her shoulder. He sat down beside her and silently wrapped his arms around her as she continued crying.

"I think you should tell him, he deserves to know," Derek said once JJ had calmed down and wiped her eyes.

"What are you talking about?"JJ asked.

"I don't have to be a profiler to see what's going on, you two have been doing this little dance for years," Derek explained gently, "especially since Hankel..."

JJ sniffled, "I don't know what you're talking about Derek, I don't know what I'm feeling..."

"I think you do, and when you're able to see it and ready to accept it I think you should tell him the truth."

"The way he's telling us the truth?" She replied angrily.

"I don't know what's going on with pretty boy, but he has been acting odd ever since this morning when the case file dropped into his hands. I'm starting to think that he may have a connection with this case."

JJ looked at him questioningly, "but that would mean that he'd have to have a connection with the CIA."

"I know."

"But Spence can't have a connection with them, he has worked with us since he was twenty-one-"

"Ashley Michaels was sixteen years old JJ, and Reid graduated high school at twelve years old. We don't know what he could have been doing in those nine years."

"We know Spence was at the FBI academy from February 2002 to June 2002, and then he started working at the BAU that November..."

"That still leaves almost eight years unaccounted for."

"But he was also in school-"

"For four years JJ," Derek said, "he got most of his degrees out of school, working online and at night and stuff. I got Penelope to get his school admissions before she came to the hospital."

JJ was trying to think, 'what was Spence doing from the time he was sixteen to the time he joined the FBI academy at twenty?'

Just then Emily ran into them on the stairs, "guys, Reid's missing!"

JJ and Derek looked up at Emily with shocked expressions and then looked at each other. They got up and raced upstairs to find that indeed, Spencer's bed was empty, but there was no sign of a struggle.

Spencer didn't bother going back to his apartment to get his stuff, he just checked into a hotel with his secret emergency credit card. Penelope wouldn't be able to find him through it because she didn't know it even existed. Spencer had always faked a hatred of electronic money, always saying he preferred to carry cash only.

"Would you like any room service, Sir?" The nice lady at the desk asked.

"No thanks, in fact, I'd prefer to be left alone for the rest of tonight and tomorrow. I'll hang the Do Not Disturb sign up."

The lady nodded, "okay, let us know if there's anything you need."

"I will," Spencer sent the lady and charming smile before turning and heading up to his room.

He let himself in and then unpacked his bag. He had stopped to get a couple supplies on his way from the hospital.

Spencer pulled out some new clothing, a laptop, a gun, handcuffs, and hair dye and scissors?


	6. Hiding, Hurting & Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer tries to convince himself he's doing the right thing and decide his next move, while the team tries to uncover the truth.

Spencer looked down at the supplies on the bed and couldn't help, but feel overwhelmed by the situation. He had never thought that this would happen, he had wanted to start a new life and he had begun to think he could. He had friends that had become more like family and he cared about them so much.

'That's why I need to do this,' Spencer reminded himself.

He picked up the hair dye and went into the hotel rooms bathroom. Grabbing a towel he put it around his shoulders and then opened up the container, mixing the hair dye and then carefully putting it on his head. After he was done he tied the hair net around his head and went to sit on the bed. He turned on the TV and tried finding something to watch to distract him, but he knew it was a useless attempt.

All Spencer could think of was JJ and the rest of the team.

Derek, Emily, Hotch, JJ, Penelope, and Rossi were all sitting around the conference table back at the BAU headquarters.

"Why would Spencer leave like this?" Derek asked.

"He's hiding something," Emily said.

"He has to have a closer connection to this case," everybody turned to look at Hotch.

"He knew way too much about the case before he even opened the case file. The CIA is being exceptionally secretive about this case, they won't answer my questions or send me the rest of the case files... I think this may call for desperate measures."

Hotch looked over at Penelope, who looked up at her boss with a smile, "are you serious?"

Penelope was on the FBI's list of the most talented, but dangerous hackers in the world.

"I could never give one of my agents' permission to hack into the CIA database Garcia, but I can't control what you do in your office when I'm not around..."

Penelope stood up quietly and left the room. She was secretly very excited and as she sat down at her desk and started hacking all she could think was;

'Let's find out what our baby's hiding.'

Spencer had gotten up from the bed and throwing down the remote he started pacing. He kept trying to convince himself that he had done the right thing by leaving the team, but he wasn't completely sure.

When his timer went off for his hair he went into the bathroom to rinse the dye out. He then blew dried his hair and then went to get the scissors.

Looking at himself in the mirror Spencer once again thought about how he couldn't believe it had come to this. That everything he had gone through and had experienced in the last five years had boiled down to losing everything and everyone that he had come to care about.

He grabbed a piece of his hair and cut it, and his brain shut off as he continued cutting until his hair was short enough that he didn't look easily recognizable. His hair was now short and he had dyed it black. He couldn't stand his haircut, his hair color or the situation, but when he looked at the stitched up cut on his neck he knew it was necessary.

'I've got to rest and then I can leave,' Spencer thought.

He went back into the other part of his hotel room and laid down on his bed.

The last thing he thought about was JJ, and as he closed his eyes he wished that he had told her how he felt about her before he left because he knew now that it was too late.

William LaMontagne JR walked into the BAU headquarters and requested to be brought to JJ. She was sitting in the conference room with the rest of the team, excluding Penelope who was still in her office.

The team heard the knock on the door, "come in," Hotch called.

"Hello Agent Hotchner, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Detective William LaMontagne is here to the Agent Jareau."

JJ raised her head and looked over at him, "Will?"

Will smiled at her and walked into the conference room, "I jumped on a plane as soon as I got off the phone with you."

"I told you not too," JJ had walked over to him and had her arms crossed, "I didn't want you to come."

"I thought you just didn't want to bother me, but it doesn't bother me because I love you-"

JJ sighed, "Will, I meant it when I said that you shouldn't come."

"Well, I thought that I could help," Will looked away from JJ and at Hotch, "Agent Hotchner."

He walked passed JJ and Hotch held out his hand to him, "hello Detective."

"Is there anything I can do to help with the case?"

JJ rolled her eyes and huffed, leaving the room and leaving her team very confused and Will even more so.

JJ walked down to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She couldn't believe that Will had completely disrespected her wishes like that.

'Spence wouldn't do that,' a tiny voice in her head said.

And suddenly her mind went from Will to Derek's words at the hospital.

" _I think you should tell him, he deserves to know... I don't have to be a profiler to see what's going on, you two have been doing this little dance for years, especially since Hankel..."_

JJ splashed water on her face and looked at her haggard appearance in the mirror.

All she could think was 'where are you, Spence? Why'd you leave me?'

Spencer woke up after a couple hours in the hotel room. He flinched when he sat up and he instinctively put his hand on his side.

'Damn it, I should have picked up some pain medication too,' he thought for a moment before shaking it off.

He couldn't afford to think about narcotics because he didn't want to risk craving Dilaudid. He got up and went to the bathroom and splashed water on his face.

'I miss you JJ,' he thought, wishing that she could hear him, 'I know you probably don't understand, but I'm doing this for you...'

The team spent the entire night working on the case the best they could, and when Penelope finally hacked into the CIA database she took every single file that she could find that had any link to the man who had attacked Spencer.

As it turned out, this man had been attacking people since November 3rd, 1982. That was only a year after Spencer's birth, and all of the victims were the same; young genius' that worked for the CIA.

'Why would he attack Spencer then?' Penelope wondered to herself for what must have been the hundredth time.

The first murder had been sloppy, full of anger and not very thought out yet he still had gotten away with it. The murders continued on November 3rd every year, and it didn't matter to him if it was a woman or a man, or what the race or religion of the person was. The only link between the victims was that they had above average intelligence levels and had started working for the CIA at an extremely young age.

Penelope started going through all twenty-five murder files and she was disgusted by each one, but she pushed through it. She had to find the connection to Spencer, and she did.

When Penelope opened case file number fifteen, she was shocked and hurt by what she saw.


	7. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to Spencer's past, revealing what Garcia has discovered.

_Spencer had gotten back to his small apartment quite late that night; it had been raining, but thankfully a friend had given the sixteen-year-old a ride._

_When he walked into his apartment he fully intended to have dinner then have a shower._

_'Maybe I'll watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch,' Spencer thought happily as he unloaded his things._

_The young man made himself dinner and sat down to start watching a documentary. Before he even managed to have a shower, however, he fell asleep on the couch. This was something that happened often, but tonight things would be different._

_The first thing Spencer felt were rough hands in his hair pulling him off his couch. He woke up quickly, but as he smashed into his coffee table he didn't have much time to react before the man was on top of him._

" _Hello Agent Reid, how old are you?" The man asked, pointing a knife at his chest._

_Spencer held his hands out for the man to see, "why does that matter?" He replied calmly._

" _How old are you?!"_

" _Sixteen!" Spencer flinched when the man screamed in his face, "I just turned sixteen..."_

" _Too young for the CIA..." The man pulled Spencer up, only to pull him out of the living room._

_When they were out of the way of furniture the man punched Spencer in the face sending him to the ground. Spencer looked up at the man and guessed that he was probably in his late twenties to early thirties. The man went to kick him in the stomach, but Spencer shielded himself and pushed the man backward. He got up as fast as he could and tried to go for his bag, which ironically was on the kitchen counter._

" _No!" The man tackled Spencer to the ground before turning him over and punching him repeatedly in the face._

_The young sixteen-year-old agent wasn't being given many opportunities to defend himself, but he tried. Spencer was clawing at the man's face, struggling to get away and trying to push the man off. However, the man was relentless and was older and larger than him._

_'If I can just get him off...' Spencer thought._

_Finally, the man's punches slowed down, and the man looked down at the teenagers bloodied face, "I'm sorry."_

_Before Spencer knew what was happening the man who had just apologized after beating him was pulling him up again, putting the knife he had been holding against his throat._

" _Walk," the man growled._

_Spencer followed instructions, 'as soon as this bastard pulls the knife away...'_

_The man brought him into the bathroom and it took Spencer a moment to register that the bathtub was full of water. It only took a split second for him to put two and two together and he started struggling despite the fact that the knife was still at his throat._

" _Stop!" The man screamed as Spencer struggled._

_His fist connected with his assailant's face and the man went falling to the ground, hitting his head against the bathtub, hard enough to stun him, but not hard enough to knock him out._

_Spencer took this opportunity to run from the bathroom, but he didn't get far. The man recovered quickly and ran after the teenager, using his training to get him back down to the ground. Spencer landed on his front and tried to crawl away and get out of the man's grasp. The man pulled out his knife again and shoved it deep into Spencer's back, just barely missing his kidney._

_Spencer let out a scream of pain, and the man took the chance to pull the teenager up, dragging him back into the bathroom and throwing him down on the ground._

_Spencer hit his head against the bathtub the same way the man had and the man laughed, "karma sucks, huh?"_

_The man grabbed Spencer's hair and growled in his ear "your director needs to learn about karma, and you're going to help me teach him."_

_That was the last thing Spencer heard before his head was pushed under the water. The man pulled him up once every minute to allow him a gulp of air, it was obvious to Spencer that this man was going to play with him before actually killing him._

_After several minutes that felt like hours the man pulled Spencer out and let him fall onto his back, gasping for air and retching._

_Spencer was still taking shallow breaths as he looked up at the man that had stood up, "please, don't-"_

_This seemed to make the man angry and he leaned down and grabbed Spencer by his throat, pulling him up and dragging him back into the living room._

_There he threw Spencer against the closest wall and he smiled as the teenager let out another cry of pain as his wounded back hit the wall. He then started kicking Spencer in the stomach with as much force as he could._

" _You-think-I-didn't-say-that!" The man screamed, "nobody stopped for me! Nobody listened when I begged them to stop! Nobody came to save me!"_

_He continued screaming as he continued to beat Spencer, alternating between kicking and climbing on top of him to punch him some more. By the time the man stopped Spencer's face was bloody; blood came from his nose and his mouth and he couldn't help crying._

" _Please, stop- why are you doing this?" Spencer asked once the man stopped beating him long enough._

_The man had been kicking him again, but at this question, he climbed back on top of Spencer and said, "because nobody saved me, and nobody will save you!"_

_The man then wrapped his hands around Spencer's neck and started strangling him. It didn't take long for Spencer to start fading, but he didn't have any intent on dying that day._

_'I'm not dying like this-'_

_Spencer managed to grab the man's knife and stab him in the shoulder, another ironic coincidence._

_Spencer stood up and cried in pain at the stab wound that was still bleeding, and from his broken ribs because of the beating. He once again went towards the kitchen counter, but the man grabbed his ankle and pulled him down._

_The man had gotten his knife after being stabbed in the shoulder and then started stabbing Spencer anywhere he could reach._

_Spencer cried out as the man started stabbing him, and as much as he tried he couldn't escape the larger man's strength. Despite all his training, none of it seemed to be stronger than a knife or this man, who seemed to have a lot of training himself, and soon he lost track of how many times he got stabbed._

_All Spencer could think about was that he had to hang on to his life as hard as he could because he wasn't done living it._

_After twenty-six stabs the man finally stopped, but Spencer was laying in a pool of his own blood and was barely conscious. All he felt was the pain as the man pulled over a chair from his dining table and picked him up, grabbing the rope from his bag and tying him to it. Spencer tried to struggle, tried to pull his wrist and legs out of the rope, but he couldn't and he started begging._

" _Please, please, let me go," he cried, but the man only sat in another chair in front of him._

" _It's okay, you'll be okay," the man said in a sickly comforting voice, "it'll be over soon enough. This will make it quicker."_

_The man took his knife and put it into the crook of Spencer's elbow, right down to his wrist, slitting it._

_Spencer cried out again in pain, "no! Please, stop- please, let me go..."_

" _Shh, I know how scared you are. Trust me, I know personally, but that's why I'm doing this. You're helping me teach a very important lesson. So that this doesn't happen in the future."_

_Spencer groaned and rolled his head back, finding it harder and harder to fight the urge to "sleep." He was soaked in his own blood; from his face, his neck, his chest, his abdomen, his legs and now his arm... he didn't think there was a single body part that wasn't covered in blood._

" _Please- please-" Spencer repeated, it felt like ages, but then the man started looking at his watch._

" _Why aren't you dead yet?" The man wondered aloud, not realizing that Spencer could hear him._

_'Because I won't die like this.'_

_And then the idea occurred to him, he'd stop begging and hold his breath as still as he could._

_After a few minutes of trying to remain as limp as possible the man untied him and laid him down on the ground._

_Spencer felt the man's fingers against his neck and he held his breath until the man pulled his fingers away and said;_

" _Another mindless sacrifice... what a shame," the man touched Spencer's face and turned it to the side, "such a handsome boy too, would have made quite a lucky catch for someone... too bad."_

_The man got up and packed up his bag of supplies. Spencer laid there, trying to stay as still as possible and struggling to stay conscious._

_Out of nowhere, he heard a dial tone and then his directors' voice, "hello?"_

" _You should have protected your young agent Director."_

_A moment later Spencer heard the door to his apartment click shut._

_Spencer managed to crawl over to his kitchen and pull himself up high enough to grab his phone._

" _9-11, what's your emergency?"_

" _Need-help-attacked-lost-blood-can't-hold-on-"_

" _Help is on the way sir, please stay with me," the dispatcher said, "sir? Sir?!"_

_Spencer had dropped his phone and finally passed out, waking days later in the hospital with multiple scars and a memory that would haunt his mind for years to come, and eventually come back to hurt him again._


	8. The Next Move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team has discovered the truth, and Spencer has decided his next move.

Penelope was horrified after she read the details of the attack, but she had found what they had been looking for. She had found Spencer's connection to the case.

She walked into the conference room shakily, and everyone was still there. JJ was sitting beside Will reluctantly but was the first one to ask when she noticed Penelope.

"Did you find anything?"

The whole team was looking at her as she nodded and started explaining what she had found.

"Pretty boy's a CIA agent...?" Derek asked slowly, the idea not sinking in.

"Was a CIA agent," Penelope corrected, "he left a while after the attack. It seemed like he just couldn't cope with it, and wanted to start a new life."

JJ was almost in tears, "but he left, why would he leave us?"

"Probably thought he was protecting all of us," Emily answered, "sometimes when the past comes back to haunt you, the only thing you can think of is running away..."

"That would explain why he knew so much, and why the CIA has been so secretive," Hotch said, "they were probably keeping it under wraps for Reid."

Derek and JJ were having the hardest time believing any of this, but after several moments of painful silence, Derek asked, "why would they send us the file though? Wouldn't they realize it'd put Reid at risk?"

Derek's hurt at finding out Spencer's past trauma and also the hurt of finding out that his 'brother' had been keeping such a detrimental secret had turned to anger at the people who hadn't protected him.

"They probably sent the case to Reid for that exact reason. It makes sense-"

"How the Hell can you say something like that?!" Derek yelled at Rossi, getting up from where he was sitting.

Derek was at his boiling point; his best friend gets attacked and keeps secrets, leaves them without saying anything and now he's an undercover CIA agent that has been hurt before? It was all too much.

"I hate this just as much as you do Morgan," despite not having been with the team very long, Rossi did hate what was happening.

David had believed that Spencer was too young to be in the BAU, but now he was starting to wonder if he had been wrong since the boy was a CIA agent.

"They know that Reid knew the case more than anybody. He's the only living victim, so he knows this guy inside and out."

"But they put him in danger!"

"They saved his life," Emily interrupted Derek who was snapping back at Rossi's explanation.

Derek and JJ gave her a look of disbelief, but she continued, "by sending him the case they gave him a heads up. Spencer would've known that he was in danger, that was why he left. Not only from the hospital but also when he left after the case file was read. He probably feels like he needs to figure out a game plan, what to do next to protect himself, and us."

Emily was right about that; Spencer had left to protect the team, especially JJ and to figure out what his next move was.

Spencer had sat in his hotel room all night trying to figure out what he was going to do. His brilliant mind couldn't think of anything, but his emotions could. So the next day he checked out of the hotel and rented a car.

As he sped down the highway he knew exactly where his destination was; CIA headquarters.

Finally, Spencer was driving up to the front gates of the large building, it had six stories and a lot of attachments. It looked a lot like a hospital, at least that's what Spencer had thought the first time he had driven up to it all those years ago. Spencer used his old CIA pass to get the first set of gates to open, driving up to the second gate he was greeted by a very official looking security guard that had been sitting inside a booth.

"Hello sir," the man asked, "may I see your ID?"

Spencer silently handed it to him and waited as the man inspected it and then looked up his name on the computer that was in his security booth.

"It says here that you retired from the CIA, you haven't been an active agent since 2000."

"I retired years ago to start anew, but I've been forced to return. I need to talk to someone, it's imperative."

The man looked at Spencer suspiciously, "who do you need to speak with?"

"The director," was Spencer's short reply.

The man continued to eye him, which caused a lot of annoyance for Spencer as he was still recovering from the attack and his entire life was crumbling around him. He was trying to figure out how to keep it together.

"Call him and tell him it's urgent, and that Spencer Reid is here to speak with him."

The man could tell that this was a serious matter and decided to reluctantly call the director. This was something that security guards or anyone from lower levels were typically not allowed to do, but this seemed like a different type of circumstance.

After being transferred to multiple people and explaining the situation the man finally got to talk to the director and Spencer listened carefully as the security guard explained the situation.

"There's a man here at the front gates Sir, he has been retired for years, but he says he needs to speak directly to you. That it's an emergency."

There were a few moments of silence, "His name's Spencer Reid Sir... Okay, Sir, I'll let him in."

The man turned back to Spencer and handed his ID back, "he'll see you immediately."

"I figured he might," Spencer replied.

After parking his rented car he walked up the steps to the front doors and used his ID to get into the building. He couldn't believe he was standing inside the building again and he looked around as he walked towards the elevators.

Spencer remembered when he first walked through those doors as a young genius, he had been amazed and excited, but that feeling was gone now. When he had left he had hoped that he wouldn't ever walk through the doors again, yet here he was.

He felt strangely anxious, but that anxiety quickly turned to anger as he stood in the elevator and waited for the sixth floor, where he knew the directors' office was. He had never wanted to see the director again, never had wanted to be in this building again. He had wanted to start a new life away from the CIA, and the traumatic attack he had survived.

There were security guards all over the place on this floor, the director was being given the utmost protection. This only fuelled Spencer's anger, it was good that nobody bothered him or he might have snapped at them. Apparently, all the security guards knew he was coming because none of them asked his purpose. They all fidgeted awkwardly as he walked past them, and knocked on the directors' door.

"Come in Spencer," answered a deep voice.

Spencer entered the room and the director was sitting at an extravagant desk and stood up.

The director walked around the desk and smiled, "dear Spencer, it's great to see you again after all this time."

He walked up to Spencer and put his hands on his shoulders, "you look well-"

"How dare you do this to me, John?" Spencer finally snapped, using the directors first name as he once used to do.

John dropped his hands and his smiled dropped too as he looked at the angry young man in front of him.

"How could you do this to me?"


	9. The Talk & Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer confronts John and gets advice and reassurances. Will Spencer decide to return to his team and allow them to help him?

"How could you do this to me, John?" Spencer repeated.

John looked at Spencer with a solemn expression, "I'm not sure what you think I did to you-"

"Don't fuck with me, you know exactly what I'm talking about," Spencer's voice shook with anger and the threat of tears, "you had to send me the file, didn't you? I was perfectly fine for the first time in a long time. I was happy, and you ruined it."

"Spencer, I needed you for the case," John explained, "we needed you, as a CIA agent-"

"But I'm not a CIA agent anymore John! I walked away because I needed to get away from the case! I wanted to start a new life and I did, and you knew this!"

"I'm sorry, I thought it was for the best. I thought to send you the case was in your best interest."

"You thought it was in my best interest? I created a life, a life I nearly lost once before already and I salvaged it. I saved myself before I crashed and burned again, and now I'm losing my friends and the only woman I've ever really loved."

"I know all about Tobias Hankel, and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I also know about the drug addiction, I kept an eye on you," John explained after getting a questioning stare from Spencer before continuing.

"I'm so proud of you for everything you've done, as for you losing your team I don't believe you have. If they truly love you, they'll still be around for you despite this."

Spencer shook his head, "they won't be around, they'll hate me for lying and they'll leave me-"

"I know why you feel that way," John interrupted, "I know you've been waiting for each and every one of them to desert you the way your Father did, but these people aren't your Father. They'll never abandon you, I know that's harder to believe after Gideon-"

"You don't know how I feel or why! You're standing there thinking you're so high and mighty just because you're in control of the CIA, but you're just a normal person like the rest of us! You make the same mistakes, and you make them over and over again!"

Spencer wasn't holding anything back by this point because he was so full of anger and fear that he didn't care what position the man held.

When Spencer had been in the CIA John hadn't become director yet, and he had been a lot like Gideon. He had been Spencer's mentor and friend, but something had changed after the first attack. He hadn't been able to cope and even though he hated to admit it, he did blame John for not protecting him from the unsub, but not nearly as much as John blamed himself.

John pulled his chair around the desk and sat beside Spencer who had his elbows on the desk and his head in his hands.

"Spencer, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Not just what happened all those years ago, but what happened the other day. I never meant for you to get hurt, I never meant for any of you to get hurt. With this job comes specific risk, and you know this."

John was looking at Spencer sadly, remembering when he was just a wide-eyed teenager that only wanted to help people. The teenager that put everything, including his life, on the line to help people and that boy wasn't much different than the man in front of him.

"I swore to protect you when you joined the case, I thought maybe a younger, fresher mind would be able to crack it. I thought I was too close to the case to see clearly. After all, it was my agent that had been the victim of the first murder. I wanted to get justice."

November 3rd, 1982; that was the year of the first murder and at that time John hadn't been the director but had been the leader of a team of CIA agents. Not very much unlike Gideon, Hotch or Rossi. For fifteen years John had tried capturing the attacker but had failed each time. He hadn't only failed in capturing him and bringing justice to the victims but figuring out who his next victim was and protecting them.

John had brought Spencer onto his team thinking his innocence and objective mind could help him realize what he had been missing. John had known, as did everyone how dangerous it was bringing the perfect victim into the team. However, John believed he could protect Spencer and prevent anything from happening to him. He had been wrong, and he had blamed himself every day for his dreadful, and almost lethal mistake.

"I know that and I know you tried to protect me, I really do. However, I can't help feeling angry even though I understand how you felt. When I was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel he forced me to choose someone to die. I had devoted my life to helping people and because of me, someone was killed. I had failed, I know this is a little different, but-"

"First of all, what happened wasn't your fault," John interrupted firmly, "not only with Hankel but with this case. You didn't do anything wrong, you have done so well. When you were with us, and since you've been at the BAU. I'm proud of you Spencer."

Spencer smiled, wiping his eyes before the tears started coming, but John put his arm around his shoulders, "there's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to crying. Right now, I'm not the CIA director or your old leader, I'm your friend."

"It means a lot to me that you're proud of me," Spencer said looking at John, "Gideon said the same thing once... I felt so happy, but couldn't see what there was to be proud of."

"There's so much to be proud of Spencer, I wish you could see it," John got up and Spencer got up too.

John patted him on the back, the way Derek did a lot and said, "go home. Your team will forgive you for lying and keeping secrets. They need you, and whether you can see it or not, you need them. You don't have to this alone, not anymore."

They had walked over to the door leading out of his office, "please, remember Spencer that you always will be a part of the CIA to me. You'll always be a part of my team, and also a very dear friend."

Spencer smiled and before leaving the office said, "I came here to give you Hell, but it didn't turn out quite the way I planned."

John laughed, "well, I do know you and I think you know as well that you needed to come here for more than venting your anger. You needed reassurance, but no matter how much reassurance you get from me it won't be good enough."

"I know that. I thought to leave was the best thing to do, but maybe you're right. Maybe I do need them."

"Go to them Spencer, explain yourself and be completely honest with all of them. They're your family, and that woman must be a very amazing woman if she has caught your eye so, don't lose her."

Spencer opened the door to the office and turned to John one more time, "Goodbye John."

"Goodbye Spencer, I don't ever want to see you in this building again," he replied with a smile.

And with that Spencer left, racing to his rented car as fast as he could because he had to get back. He had to get back to the team, and most especially to JJ.

As he pulled away from the building he couldn't help thinking the same thing John had said.

'I don't ever want to be in that building again, I need to fix this.'

Spencer had felt like his entire life had been turned upside down when that case file had fallen into his hands, but now he thought maybe running away wasn't the answer. He couldn't keep running from the past because his past would always catch up with him, would always come back to haunt him. He had to face this the same way he had faced his drug addiction; face on with no more denial or avoidance. It was time that he coped with his past, and brought the man that hurt him and so many others down.

Spencer had been many things throughout his life; he had always been a genius, he used to be CIA, but now he was an FBI special agent and he knew that the only place he should be was with his team, and his family. He needed them to help him bring the man to justice, but he also needed them to help him cope with everything that had happened.

He raced along the highway knowing exactly where his destination was and what his next move was; the BAU headquarters, and telling his team the truth.

If only things would be that easy...


End file.
